I feel like my life is just a chaotic mess. One day at a time it just gets tangled more like a slinky, the more you try to fix it, the worse it gets. I need something new. I’m beginning to realize that I’m important and what I think matters. I’m still trying to figure this whole recovery thing out, I’m trying to find out who I am, what I’m doing, who I am, why I’m here. I’m no where near close to where I need to be or where I want to be. Every thing takes time and I get frustrated so easily. But c’mon, who doesn’t? I want results, I want to see changes but I have to realize all the damage I did to myself didn’t happen over night and I won’t see anything change over night, either. Its really frustrating you know know. I have no clue who I am- I have a clue of who I want to be but where do I even begin. Am I capable of being the person in my head or will I fail at that, too? I’ll never know unless I try, but it hurts to try. I need to try or else I’ll never know, I’ll never make progress, its just a never ending cycle of failure but I need to just keep getting back up everytime I fall because every fall makes me that much stronger then I was the first time. I know when I finally (if is the real word) make it to the other side of recovery its going to be so worth it. I say that, I sound like a broken record but maybe if I say it enough I’ll start to believe it. Who even knows. All I know is that I long for something I don’t possess, and won’t. Maybe I just need to sleep for a long time.